Kel's Search For Happiness
by KnightbyDay
Summary: Kel goes in search of her favorite comics. How long can Alanna talk? Will Johnny V take the throne after Roald? Nananananana Wyldman, Wyldman, Wyldman!
1. Eh?

Kel sat down at a table by herself in the mess. It was the end of dinner and she felt that she could finish reading the comics undisturbed.  
All of the sudden the newspaper was ripped out of her hands and thrown across the room, down Thayet's blouse, never to return. Kel began to cry; she hadn't read Dilbert yet!  
"It's okay," Lady Alanna said after admiring her marksmanship for a minute. "I'll tell you a story, then you'll feel better."  
Kel sniffled.   
"It's actually a very interesting story. It's the story of my life," said Alanna, beaming. Kel was too distraught to sense the danger she was in.   
"Well, you see, it all started when I was concieved..."   
Five minutes later Kel realized she was going to die of boredom if she didn't escape. She quickly caught Thayet's attention and told her who had thrown the paper. Thayet charged over with her knife and a banana from her dinner.   
She tapped Alanna on the back and put the banana in her pocket. She began squeezing the knife and proceeded to stuff it down Alanna tunic. Then she grabbed the banana and began jabbing it in Alanna's face. When the banana began oozing onto her fingers and Alanna's face, Thayet looked down at her hands in horror.   
"Gods, why must I fail at everything I do?" she screamed. "Knives are for stabbing! I'm a moron!" With that she ran off, smashing the banana into her head repeatedly.   
Fortunately, Kel had escaped during the mayhem. She had to find another newspaper though. Where to look, where to look?   
"The men's bathroom," she cried out. Now she just needed an excuse to go there.   
She decided her story centered around seeing Neal running around without a shirt. She had needed to vomit and that was the closest bathroom. Excellent. Most of the men in the palace had seen Neal without a shirt and would understand.   
Suddenly, from around a corner, Alanna appeared. She hadn't stopped talking yet.   
"And then I slept with the heir to the throne, you know, King Jon? Well back then he was Prince Jon. One time, when I was a squire, Raoul caught us kissing, but he just winked and walked away. To this day I still wonder what that wink was about..."   
Kel screamed and barged through the bathroom door. Alanna followed behind her with her never ending monologue.   
"Ahh!" shrieked a man, much the same way my ten year old sister does when Aaron Carter comes on the TV.   
"I need a newspaper," shouted Kel, pulling out her sword.   
"Why?" everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to ask.   
"Because, uh, uh..."   
Neal, something about Neal. Think of a story. Curse my short memory.   
"I need to smack Neal with it," Kel finished.   
Everyone in the bathroom looked at one another in understanding, then quickly averting their eyes because you just don't look at another man when he's using the urinal.   
"He's been having his accidents again, then?" asked Duke Baird.   
"Yes sir," replied Kel.   
"We have no newspapers in here," announced the man who had shrieked, "but I shall quest with you to find one."   
"Uh, okay," said Kel.   
"My name is Sir Payne of Theass. You met my nephew, Joren, I believe"   
"Yesssssss"   
"Then we're practically friends already."   
"We are?"   
"Yes, dear lady. I never liked the lad, for he was always stealing my shampoo and conditioner."   
Alanna broke in saying, "When I was a boy I didn't use shampoo and conditioner. Well, I wasn't really a boy and I did take baths once a month..."


	2. Hmmmm

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tamora Pierce's characters.

Chapter 2  
  
"Where are we going?" asked Kel as Sir Payne as they sprinted down yet another corridor.

"We?" he asked. "Are we together? Do you want to sleep with me? That might upset my wife."

"You said you would help me find a newspaper!" yelled Kel. "Oh. So where are we headed first?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"I've got it," yelled Sir Payne. "Lord Raoul was walking around earlier with a paper, a _news_paper."

"Why are we yelling?" bellowed Kel. "We're running right next to each other."

Before Sir Payne could answer, he and Kel arrived at Lord Raoul's door. Kel rammed head first into the door. Luckily her head was as hard as most bricks, so she wasn't hurt. The same cannot be said for the door.

Sir Payne looked at the ruin of the door and screamed like a little girl, "You killed it! What did it ever do to you?"

"It got in my way, stupid," said Kel as she got up and dusted herself off. She then walked through another door into Lord Raoul's bedroom from his reception room. (Well, she didn't walk through the door this time. She opened the door and walked through the doorway.)

"Lucy, I'm home," she announced.

"Who the hell is Lucy?" yelled Sir Payne.

"Shut up, it's not funny if I have to explain it."

Kel wandered over to Raoul's bed where he was still sleeping despite the fact that his door had been smashed and no one seemed to be able to converse in an indoor voice.

Kel bent down and bellowed into Raoul's ear, "This is Keladry of Mindelan, give me your newspaper or I may begin acting in an irrational manner."

Raoul smiled in his sleep and mumbled, "Mmmmm...men...I like men...mmmmm."

Kel decided this called for drastic measures and punched Raoul in his, um, you know, family jewels.

"Ahhhhhh! My happy place!" squeaked Raoul as he curled up into a ball and hid his face so no one would see him cry.

"Tell me where you put the newspaper," demanded Kel.

"In Fluffer's cage," wailed Raoul.

Kel looked around and spotted a cage with Neal in it. The paper at the bottom had obviously been used as a bathroom. Neal was currently running around barking and chasing his butt.

_ Must be that special time of the month for Neal_, thought Kel as she sighed. Her search wasn't over.

Now, where was that Payne? Oh, over next to Alanna.

Alanna spotted Kel in the room because Sir Payne was unconscious from the utter agony that came with listening to Alanna. Kel looked around, her exit was blocked by Alanna.

"You know, I once ate an entire jar of peanut butter...and I didn't even have a spoon or anything," Alanna said, beaming.

Kel gasped in horror and looked for a way around or through Alanna.

I'm sorry, I'll try to make the next chapter longer. please r and r.


	3. Sigh

Chapter 3

It seems i can't write long chapters. anybody see the last matrix movie? lots of pretty people and machine, but i didn't really understand the end.

Disclaimer: i don't own the matrix or any of tamora pierces stuff. i do own a fish that floats on her back but freaks out when people get near her. (her name is Buri)

Kel decided it was time to do battle with Alanna; this had to stop. Kel began using the moves she had learned in the Matrix (A/N: Maybe the chamber told her about it.)

Alanna was confused. It looked as though Kel was trying to swat a fly with both hands. After fifteen seconds of this Kel took up what looked like a ready stance.

Suddenly Alanna looked down and spotted what looked like a spider on her leg. She squeaked and froze. Since Kel had done all those cool moves with her arms, she wanted to punch Alanna but knew that it would be better to just run away. Kel compromised by jumping on Sir Payne's stomach on the way out.

She left Payne behind, unconscious and perhaps damaged irreparably, to continue her search for the comics.

"I'm an injured eagle. I have only one arm," said a voice down the hall.

Kel turned to see Daine running towards her, flapping one arm, the other apparently in her shirt. Kel watched her run past and decided she better go kick some dogs before Daine went mad with lack of animals to heal. (A/N-Well, madder)

Kel wandered outside looking for dogs. After kicking three, she decided she needed a break and went to find Peachblossom. Surprise, surprise, he was in the stable.

"Aw, why the long face?" Kel quipped at Peachblossom.

Tobe, not understanding that Kel was just a moron and not psychic, almost fainted in shock.

"Lady, how did you know he was upset?" he asked. "PB was trying to hide it from you!"

Kel looked at Tobe blankly. "I don't get it," she said.

"PB misses Squealan," said Tobe.

"It's his time."

"Squealan's dying?"

"No bird brain, let me finish my sentence. It's his time of the month so he can't come out and get bitten like he usually does."

"So where is he and how soon will he be back?"

Kel ignored the order of the questions. "He'll be back in three to five more days. He's in a cage now, in my lord Raoul's rooms. Wait a second, that reminds me of something. Crap, what was it? Oh, _crap_! Squealan has been crapping on newspapers. This is no time to take a break. I need to find a crap-free comics section of today's paper!"

_The lady sure does talk a lot,_ thought Tobe as she ran off, punting a dog that was standing in the doorway.

"Oh, long face, I get it!" Tobe cried. (Seriously, he cried, it was a really lame joke, probably brained his damage).

Meanwhile, Alanna had discovered that the "spider" was actually a piece of lint.

_I bet Kel would love to hear about this_, thought Alanna and off she went.


	4. Oh my

Disclaimer: I came up with the nicknames but not the people or anything else. Tamora Pierce did.

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The giant palace bell rang and Kel swore. She would have to give up her search for a bit to attend …a meeting. At least it wasn't her turn to bring snacks.

**In the ****Meeting Room Place**** Thing**

"I coughed up a hairball this morning," announced Daine to Prince Roald who just stared at her.

"Welcome to Daine's world," sighed Numair.

Two Random Dudes, "Excellent!"

"I said Daine, not Wayne. Now shoo."

Two Random Dudes leave as Raoul and Buri come in and take their chairs.

"My dear Burricuda, you are a fool. Cheddar cheese clearly tastes like yellow," Raoul was saying.

"No, sunflowers taste like yellow, nimrod," replied Buri.

"I thought you were going to come up with some cute nicknames for me," pouted Raoul.

"Oh,_ cute_. Hmm. I'll have to start my list over."

King Jonathon skipped in and announced, "I have a fish. His name is Johnny V." (pronounced vee)

Collective "Huh?"

"Well, Roald seems unable to provide me with a grandson, or a granddaughter for that matter."

Collective "ooh" as Roald blushes.

"And Johnny V doesn't ignore me when I talk to him," said the King, looking pointedly at a butterfly meandering around the room.

A musty, gym-locker odor wafted in through the door.

"It's the Kel smell," announced Dom cheerfully.

As he said this Kel walked through the door. "I haven't had time to shower this week, okay?" she said.

"Now, I suppose you're all wondering why I invited you here," said the King.

"I was ordered," interrupted Raoul.

"Me too," said Kel, Daine, Buri, and everyone else.

"I hate you all. Ooops I meant shut up! Sorry about the slip," yelled the King.

"Woooo, let's hear a cheer for the king with the most bling," yelled Alanna as she strolled through the door.

"I do have a pretty frickin big green jewel thingy," said the King smartly.

"So, why are we here?" asked Lord Wyldon trying to steer the conversation to a philosophical discussion.

"Wyldman! You made it! Guess I should do role call to see who else is here," said the King as he looked around at the ten or so of his most trusted advisors that were in the room.

And so began the meeting.

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muhahahaha...more soon. read and review.


	5. Wha?

_Wow, took me long enough to update. Still don't own Tamora Pierce's stuff._

Chapter 5

"Okay, first, who wants to share something with the group," asked the King.

"I have something I want to share about Lord Wyldon," said Buri, standing up.

"You mean tattle about," muttered Wyldon.

"My Lord has been purposely standing in the Rider's mess in front of a window and blinding the riders with the glare from his big, bald head."

Everyone gasped; what was Buri doing in the Rider's mess hall? She quit that group when she married.

Sensing what everyone was thinking, Buri yelled, "A pregnant woman's allowed to have cravings!"

"You're pregnant?"

"You're a woman?" (yes, that's Raoul)

"I had to get some pickles for Lady Whats-her-face. I'm not pregnant. Can we get back to Lord Wyldon now?"

"True," yelled the King.

Everyone looked at him.

"Umm, false?"

Still looking.

"Hey, Roald, why don't you field this one?" said the King.

Roald tried to look thoughtful. "Umm, well, blind people can't see targets that well. But we can't have a repeat of that toupee incident. A cat choking to death on Lord Wyldon's toupee, not something I want to see a third time. Especially if it's the same toupee it was the first two times."

"I know," said Alanna, "we can kill Wyldon!"

"Umm, how about no?" asked Roald.

"Ooh," said Kel. "why don't we just make him wear a hat?"

"Okay, but I call the jester hat," sulked Wyldon.

"Anything else?" asked the King. "No? Well before you guys think of anything stupid to say, I want to talk. The paperboy has been kidnapped. There will be no more paper until we have him returned to us."

Kel swooned but quickly controlled herself. This was a much bigger problem than not having today's comics. She might never have any current comics again!

**Reviews encourage me. Choose your next move wisely. ;)**


	6. Ummm, kinda?

A/N- Sorry it took me so long to update. More coming...

Chapter 6

Kel paced back and forth, while Jump and the sparrows watched her.

Finally, Buri came out of the bathroom and Kel entered with the excuse of having to "go tinkle". Little did Buri know that the bathroom was the place where Kel did all her thinking and laundry.

"Plan, plan, I need a plan," she muttered to herself as she pulled down her pants and sat to think.

"Ah-ha," she yelled as she jumped up, tripped over her pants, and rammed her head into the door.

"Kel, are you all right?" she heard Dom ask from the other side of the door.

"If you hurt your breasts, I can heal them through magic and massage," added Neal.

"I'm fine," yelled Kel as she struggled into her hose.

She opened the door to find Neal and Dom slapping each other on the chest, trying to see whose nipples popped out the farthest. Kel watched until Neal was declared the winner.

_Curse Yuki for taking him away from me_, thought Kel.

Remembering her plan, Kel began to explain it to the cousins who would make a really cute couple if they weren't cousins.

"Lady Alanna's renewing her wedding vows tomorrow, right?" said Kel. "Well, all we have to do is..."

Kel went on to explain the plan to the boys in a whisper so low the author couldn't hear it.

---------------------------------

**The Next Day**

"Do you promise to love Lady Alanna to the extreme for the rest of your life?" asked the Priest.

"Yes," replied George.

"But not to the creepy extreme?"

"No"

"Lady Alanna," continued the Priest. "Do you promise to admit love to George Cooper every time you are asked?"

"Yes," was the reply.

"Alanna, do you love me?" asked George.

"Uh-hmmm, uh, sure"

General Audience: "Awwwww"

_Okay_, thought Kel, _time to put my plan into action._


End file.
